Aylward On: The Recline of Western Civilization

Chris Tharp is laid up in bed with a broken leg and a banged up shoulder so we drafted Chris’ good friend and former expat comedian, Brian Aylward, to step in for his fallen comrade in comedy.

I was at Costco the other day because they have all the things. Costco has gathered everything you need into empty airplane hangers all over the world. Whether it’s a tractor, a duvet or an eighty kilogram jar of pickles, the world’s 7th largest retailer has your consumer coma needs covered.

Kid’s recliners? Yes, Costco now sells kid’s recliners. With ‘Durable, bonded leather upholstery and sturdy construction’, a kid’s recliner is a 25-inches from the ground idea, created by True Innovations Inc. The advertisement image on the box is a chubby kid, kicked backed in her little recliner, after what I assume was a hard day of play. Imagine parents parading their fat-wristed children into ‘Kid’s Recliner’ advertisement auditions. Gross.

I guess fourteen is the new seventy. The True Innovations Inc. slogan for its kid’s recliners is ‘If your kid is always sitting in your recliner, why not give them their own recliner?’ There are many reasons why not to do that actually. First of all, you have to earn your right to recline. I grew up in a house with a ‘dad’s chair.’ It was dad’s chair. He was a man, who had a job, bills and four kids. He earned his right to recline. Now, kids will be wobbling themselves home from school, breathing heavy from just being awake, and kicking back in their little recliners with a 9 liter energy drink and a chocolate bar the size of a hockey stick.

Being healthy will become old-fashioned. Although, True Innovations Inc. claims ‘an easy to kick out recline mechanism,’ it will be difficult to kick back in your stunted recliner, when you have lost both of your feet from early childhood diabetes. Sorry kids.

Another reason why not to give a kid their own recliner, just because they sit on an adult’s recliner, is the lesson learned cannot be that you get to have everything you sit on. That’s just ridiculousness. Also, giving kids their own recliners might create a whole new product line of little, fat fuck furniture.

In addition to kid’s recliners, how about beds that make themselves or tables that you can eat? The possible product innovations for little, fat fuck furniture are endless and pathetic.

What kids really need these days is some sort of kid’s decliner. I don’t mean the kid’s recliner having a decline mechanism on it either. I am thinking of a device that senses danger, helps kids make difficult childhood decisions and teaches them the consequence of the word ‘no.’ I suggest an electronic wrist bracelet that beeps every time a kid reaches for something harmful, like a cigarette, some fast food or a bible.

Maybe True Innovations Inc. could create robot parents. Robotic parents that apologize to kids for their actual parents being truly shitty humans and not taking care of their well-being. Of course, these kid’s recliners are made in China. It’s just a symbol of how the western world is done. Start learning Mandarin kids!

Ok, this is getting angry and off topic. I need to recline.

You can check out more from Brian here and around YouTube.

Illustration by Michael Roy


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